Five Weeks...Again

The last time I wrote was when I found out for sure that I was going to miscarry. Little did I know, I already had. I miscarried without any physical pain, and I started to doubt whether or not I had actually been pregnant at all. I spent two months waiting for some indication that it was over- that there was nothing left of my baby. Instead, what I got was a completely normal cycle 3 weeks after the bleeding started with the miscarriage. My body got right back to doing its thing. Some would say that is a good thing, but for a woman waiting to pass a sac that she has seen on an ultrasound, it was absolute torture. I didn't know if my first period after was a period, or just more bleeding. I kept hoping there would be some pain- something to make it real. Instead, I just felt like I was losing it. I was so lost and confused and hurt and... I didn't know what to do. I called my doctor and he told me just to take another pregnancy test to see if it would still be positive. It wasn't. By the time I did that, I had already had two periods. But no closure. But there it was: this test. Negative. There was no longer any indication of life growing inside me. It hurt.
But then I got excited about being able to try again soon. When the time came, we tried. We failed. I felt like my husband didn't really want it. Then, a month later, we tried again. We failed again. I felt like I was in my own little corner of Hell. Then, we tried again. And.It.Worked. I'm pregnant again. Five weeks today, March 5th. And I am scared to death. I am so excited, but there is this cloud hanging around me that I am trying so hard to fight.
But here is my problem. I still feel like it's not ok to talk about it. I feel like if I bring it up, there is just going to be an awkward silence and then life will go on as if I didn't even mention it. Then there's the feeling that I shouldn't make such a big deal about it. I didn't have any pain. It was barely even a pregnancy for more than a week. There are so many others who have gone through so much more than I have. Friends and family who have had several miscarriages, or struggle to have children at all. Friends who's children died at birth. Relatives and friends who have lost children at a young age. I see all of these things and think, "Oh, mine isn't gonna be a big deal to them. I should just get over it."
But I think I need to stop that. I have been hoping for some kind of validation from someone else. I still want that. I want someone to take time out of their day to ask me how I'm doing, and if I say, crappy, they still want to talk to me. But I am starting to realize I can't expect that from anyone but myself. I need to tell myself it's ok. I need to remind myself that my struggles are valid, but that I shouldn't dwell there, because it will just keep me down.
I guess I am just learning one day at a time how to love myself without pride. Learning to trust that my God knew what he was doing when he created me. He loves me, so why shouldn't I love myself? I've heard it all before, but I have still not ever gotten to that point.
Anyway, kind of a weird tangent that I just took you on. Bottom line, I guess, is to anyone who has ever felt my feelings of self doubt and trying to push your feelings aside. Your pain is valid. Your struggles are valid. Don't fill your mind with "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" because what you are feeling is what you should feel. Once the feeling comes, you can choose to dwell on it, or counter it with another truth about the same situation. See? I did learn something from counseling. :)
Now, to all those who are reading this who know someone who may feel similar to me. Maybe someone you don't want to hang around because they are so negative all the time- be that friend. Take interest in them and what they are going through. Validate their feelings. Don't brush it off and say it will be ok, or there's nothing to worry about. Be the friend who listens.
Well, I am starting to ramble about something completely different from where I started. It is 12:55 am on Thursday, March 5, 2015. I am five weeks exactly today. I'm excited to add this new addition to our family in 8 months. I'm nervous. Hopefully, all will be well. Well, I'm going to bed. I hope sleep comes quickly.