"Doubt your doubts"

Today, I was creating a meme for the first time. I was using a quote from the October 2013 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints:

Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.

This quote, stated by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, was used in a talk mostly about coming back to the fold if you have strayed. For me, it was a little different. What does it mean to doubt your faith? As I was looking for a picture for my meme, I searched for "dark before sunrise." Don't ask me why, that is just what I felt needed to be portrayed in my meme. When the images came up, most of them were of sunrises over the ocean. This got me thinking on the Bible story of Peter walking on the water to Jesus. So, I picked a picture with a sunrise and some rough water to illustrate my point.

When I was younger, I often pictured the water Jesus and Peter walked on. It was smooth and glass-like in my mind, so when Peter faltered I often felt disappointed, even a touch of disdain, that he couldn't even walk the short distance to the Savior. I have since read the story and realized that it was not such an easy walk. I have grown to understand a little more what it must have been like. Now, when I picture the story, it goes something like this:

It had been a long day already when Jesus sent his disciples to the other side of the Sea of Galilee. But, because he had commanded, away they went. Soon, though, the wind was no longer in their favor. They were now "in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary."

Peter looked up and saw the storm clouds begin to gather. "It's going to be a long night," he thought. "The way it's looking, Jesus will be there before us."

His reverie was interrupted, however, when the others called out, "Ghost!" There was a figure of a man walking toward them on the water! What was this spirit, and what did it want with them?

But the figure called out to them, saying, "Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid."

There was still some hesitance among them, when Peter said, "Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

"Come," The Man said.

 Peter hesitated for only a second. Then he looked at his master's eyes and found his faith. With no more hesitation, he climbed over the edge, and, while keeping his master's gaze, steadily put his feet on the water. He was walking on top of the water! He took a few steps, his eyes locked on Jesus. He was doing it! His eyes flickered to his feet, and suddenly he realized the depth of the water he was walking on, and the fierceness of the waves. In that split second, he lost his footing and into the water he went. He fell deeper as fear overcame him. 

"Lord, save me!" cried Peter, splashing frantically and gasping for air.

 Jesus was there immediately. He stretched out his hand and pulled Peter from the water. In a quiet but intense voice, he said, "O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?"

Jesus helped him back into the boat and gave him a blanket to warm him. Then Peter looked up. The wind had stopped. The others were staring at them both with awe. Peter, embarrassed, lowered his eyes. Jesus stood there, and in an instant the rest of the disciples were on their knees worshiping him. "Of a truth," he heard one of them say, "Thou art the Son of God."

 There are a few things that really stand out to me in this story. One of them, the amazing faith Peter had to step off of that boat. I have often wondered if I would be able to have that much faith in that particular situation. I'm terrified of water. I'm not a strong swimmer, and I can't tread water. But, I guess, that's the point. I feel quite certain that, in that moment, Peter wasn't looking at the water. His eyes were fixed on "The Master of Ocean and Earth and Skies." His steps were strong and steady as long as he was looking to the Savior. So what caused him to fall? The scripture account says, "But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid." In my story, I picture him wanting to take a moment to say, "Look at me! I'm doing it!" But, in that moment of pride in himself, he lost sight of the Savior's hand in it. And as soon as that happened, Satan swooped right in to place doubt in Peter's mind of his ability to stand anymore. And instead of trusting that he had already done it and could do it again, with the Savior's help, he doubted his faith and fell. In that moment, he should have been doubting his doubts.

I can think of countless times where I have been in a similar situation. I will be going good with my eye fixed on my Savior, but in an instant, I think about myself, whether pleased or displeased, and suddenly my footing fails and I begin to sink. Doubts creep into my mind about my worth, about my abilities, sometimes about the Savior himself. In those times, I splash and flounder, feeling like I am going to go under. Just when I feel I am about to give up completely, I feel the need to cry out to my Lord. When I do, I feel his gentle embrace, and hear him whisper with love, "O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?" He wipes my tears and gently sets me back on my way.

I guess my purpose in writing this blog is to discuss how we can "doubt our doubts" before our faith. In Peter's story, I found two things that influenced his fall. One: His Pride. He wanted to make sure he was doing it. In so doing, he looked away from the Savior. This opened the door for fear. This fear is my second point.  He began to be afraid of the wind and the waves. He began to focus on everything else but the One who could help him.  This is after he had seen the Savior calm the storm. He had a knowledge of the peace and stability the Savior offers, yet he still looked around at everything but the source of peace. He based the prospective outcome not on the FACT that he was literally walking on water, but the fear that he MIGHT fall. In doing so, he proved himself correct. I have heard fear defined as "FALSE evidence appearing real." We should, therefore, doubt that evidence. We should do what Helaman says, and "build our foundation upon the rock of our Redeemer" (Helaman 5:12), and have "an eye single to the glory of God"(D&C 4:5) so that no matter how much wind there is, WE WILL NOT FALL. So, how do we doubt our doubts?

Keep those eyes fixed on the Savior. Don't look away. Keep your eye on the prize!